Incest You Say?
by Xx.Mystique.xX
Summary: Lissana, Lucy, and Levy sit together with Carla and Wendy to explain how things go on between the people in the guild. "Wait, wait, wait... So, you're saying that Lucy's dating her grandson, and is married to her mother's wife! And Natsu is Guildarts grandson!" "And so, we made up our own family tree because fuck the government(s)." Humor! R&R! Enjoy


**Aaaahhh~ It's been a while since I wrote an FT fanfiction ._. I've been focusing on Gintama stories… Of course OkKagu :3 So, I want to apologize and all that shit XD I also started school T^T Ugh… I'm going to die X…X I hate sociology and economics… Anyyyyways, this one-shot is kind of- well it IS weird XD Hopefully it'll be funny too :3 Oh, and I want to thank everyone of 'The FAYZ' they know who they are, for role playing these parts. I role played Lucy :3 Without further ado, ze one-shot. Read and Enjoy~!**

**P.S. DON'T GET SURPRISED IF EVERYONE SEEMS TOO OOC XD**

Today was not a so normal day in the guild especially with the girls. Wendy and Carla had just joined the guild so, the girls decided to sit all together including the said two to explain how things kind of work around the girls. Let's go to the beginning of the day to see how things started, shall we?

"And then, Erza showed that video to Natsu and he started laughing!" The youngest Strauss said as she slammed her hands on the table.

"Kill him because you can't kill Erza." The blond stated as if it was nothing, then, her eyes widened as she yelled, "STAB HIM WITH A STRAW IN THE NECK!"

"When he comes back from that mission, I will." Lissana replied as she smirked while rubbing her hands together, emitting a dark aura.

Wendy walked nervously towards them once she noticed the aura that was emitting from the youngest take-over mage, "L-Lissana-san?" She asked, fidgeting in her place while hugging her whit cat tighter.

Lissana looked at the nervous bluenette and smiled apolitically, "Sorry Wendy-chan for scaring you. "

Wendy just nodded, still nervous around her new guild mates. Suddenly, the white cat spoke, "Stab him in the eye, it would hurt more."

Lucy turned towards the white exceed and smiled, "Nah, Lissana's too nice to do that. That's why I said the neck and not the eye."

Suddenly, the book warm of the guild jumped out of nowhere, as if she was eavesdropping, not that she was. No, not at all and said, "Then she can drink his blood from the straw!"

Lucy turned towards her best friend, that was now sitting on her right and said, "Levy-chan… You read too much vampire stories." She stopped for a while then asked, "Why would she do that…?"

"Because you love me, that's why."

"Hey!" Lissana yelled, "I am only the half vampire here!"

"Why half?" Lucy lifted a brow.

"I don't know." She shrugged, "Ask Cana, she declared me half."

"I am a vampire…" Carla said out of nowhere.

All of the girls turned towards her and gave her weird looks, "The… Fuck…?"

Lissana cleared her throat trying to break the tension then said, "Then Carla… You're number… Five, Six, or Seven."

"And a cat, half-goddess, priestess…." Carla continued on counting, ignoring Lissana.

"Yeah…" Lucy suddenly spoke, "Natsu's the full vampire. That dude never sleeps."

"Does anyone remember who else was declared a vampire? I only remember Natsu, Gajeel, and I." The young Strauss asked as she placed her index finger on her chin trying to remember the other 'vampires' in the guild.

"All the nobles?" Levy asked tilting her head in a cute manner.

"You seriously got to stop with the vampire stories Levy-chan." Lucy said and then continued as she laughed, "Cana is Oprah, Dr. Phil, and a priest."

"You are the bar, Lu-chan." Levy pointed out as she flipped through the pages of her book. (Don't ask where she got it but she just did cause she's THE LEVY!)

"YES I AM!" The celestial mage said and she smirked.

"You know… Cana is also Natsu and Aqua's mom." Lissana suddenly spoke.

"And my daughter." Lucy continued, "She declared that I'm her mother."

"And Lu-chan's my wifey and sister." The solid-script mage said.

"Yes." Lucy agreed nodding, "And I'm dating Natsu… Which is Cana's son…"

After seconds of silence Lucy spoke, "So much incest in this guild…"

"Oh God… Our family here is so messed up." Lissana laughed.

"Yes it is." Lucy agreed laughing with her.

"I can't follow you…" Carla said, "Who is related to who?" She asked.

"EVERYONE!" Levy yelled jumping out of her chair then sitting back on it, "EVERYONE. EVERYONE IS JUST… EVERYONE!" Then she turned to the cat and said, "Mira is also my wifey and sister."

"And Mira is my mom." Lucy said.

"And she's Lu-chan's mother…." Levy trailed off.

"WHAT THE-?" Carla yelled.

Lissana giggled and said reassuringly, "We're not really blood related, it's just…"

"Messes up family shame?" Lucy continued, "We know that, honey!"

"So true…" Lissana mumbled.

"Wait, wait, wait…" Carla suddenly said, "Lucy is married to her mom's wife?!" She yelled, her eyes widening.

"Yes I am." Lucy nodded, "And am dating Cana's son."

"THE FUCK?!" Carla yelled. Wendy's eyes widened. Both surprised at what her guild mates said and that her cat just cursed.

"I need to sit down…" She mumbled as she took a seat, Carla now sitting on the table.

"Cana is also my daughter." Lucy continued. The blond patted Carla's head and said, "You'll get used to this incest eventually."

"Lucy, didn't you say you have twenty wives?" Lissana asked lifting a brow.

"Yes… Yes I did." Again, Lucy turned towards the confused cat and continued, "Also, Guildarts is Natsu's grandpa."

"And Cana is Guildarts daughter." Levy said.

"And I'm Natsu's grandma." Lucy concluded.

"Doesn't that mean your dating your grandson?" Carla suddenly asked.

"Now that I think about it… It does…"

"And since Guildarts is Cana's dad and you're Cana's mom, doesn't that mean you and Guildarts are… You know, together?" Lissana asked blushing at the thought.

Lucy's eyes widened and she muttered, "Fuck…"

"I should probably make a family tree about us." Levy spoke.

Lucy's eyes widened again and she yelled, "THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME LEVY-CHAN!"

"Hey, hey, where would I be?" Lissana asked, "I am only the sister here." She blinked.

"You're Mira's sister." Levy said as she started scribbling down on a paper, "Okay… So, Lucy should be here… Natsu beside her… No wait.. She should be above…" She muttered, "AAAHHHH! THIS IS SO CONFUSING!" Levy yelled and shook Lucy from her shoulders, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DATE YOUR GRANDSON?! YOU'RE MAKING IT HARD FOR ME TO DRAW THE TREEEE!"

"S-stop sh-shaking m-me!" Lucy removed her friend's hands from her shoulders and sat back down as she dusted off her shoulders.

"Oh wait… I am Happy's mom." Lissana smiled.

"Yeah…" Everyone muttered.

"MY HEAD!" Carla yelled. Wendy was so long gone during half the conversation. Her poor little innocent mind couldn't take all this incest.

"I should take a note that I should never include myself in any matter with you people…" Carla muttered to herself.

"OH! I FORGOT!" Levy stood up making a heroic pose and said, " I am also the lord of the barrels."

Carla slammed her head on the table, "Lucy?"

"Hm?" Lucy turned her attention towards Carla.

"Can you braid your hair and then bitch slap me to death with it? Or until I at least get an amnesia or a concussion?"

Levy laughed as she shook her head and patted Carla's head, "Oh, silly silly, silly cat. Her hair isn't that long. You should ask Wendy."

Carla face palmed.

"It's okay Carla," Lissana smiled at the cat as she raised her head, "You'll eventually get used to their craziness just like everyone here did."

Carla sighed and nodded.

"And so, we made up our own family tree because fuck the government(s)." The bluenette narrator said as she removed her glasses.

"Levy-chan! Stop that stupid narrating and get your ass over here!" Lucy hissed.

**The end :3 That was random… And weird… And creepy… And probably mind fucking shit XD That's how our group role plays on FB actually XD Ain't they funny? :3 I hope you enjoyed it! Though, I bet most of you didn't get shit of this one-shot ._. And half of you probably got disgusted through half of it XD Still… It was fun to write :3 I always love to write those weird, creepy, random one-shots :3 ********They're freaking fun! **Oh, and sorry for any grammatical mistakes and such... Cause I wrote this on the stinkin' phone. AND THE SCREEN IS GETTING SLIPPERY! OAO Anyways… R&R peeps~ :3

**Peace I'm Out (=-=)v**


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